Monday, June 1, 2009

Cruel Shoes

Okay, I have not read the book of short stories "Cruel Shoes" by Steve Martin, but it is a very apt title for this blog. Do these shoes look like torture devices? No, they look pretty innocent don't they? Looks can be so deceiving.
See here's the story. I got all gussied up for Keetha's wedding. I spent a while on my hair and makeup--I pulled out all the stops, I even wore false eyelashes. Okay? Okay. The only thing, after I had my clothes on I remembered that I had forgotten to contour my face...you know to make your cheek bones stand out and straighten and narrow your nose.........anyway I digress.
I was looking good. And instead of wearing some comfortable/sensible shoes I put these babies on. I hadn't worn them in awhile and I guess my memory for pain is like the surgeries I have had, I just don't remember the pain. And after all Billy Crystal channeling Fernando Lamas said "It is better to look good than to feel good."
You know you have to suffer a little for beauty....
Anyway, I put these little torture devices on and began to regret it the minute I walked on the sidewalk and hobbled up the stairs to the church. Fortunately I was seated quickly and after the beautiful wedding was able to hobble over to the building where the reception was held only on a 7 on the pain scale. But by the end of the reception I was on a 9. After we threw the rice and I hobbled back up the steps to say my goodbyes, I stood on the veranda thinking that if I could just make it to the sidewalk, I would pull them babies off and walk barefooted to the car. I didn't care what anybody was thinking, after all I bet 1 our of 3 of every female's feet were hurting if the truth be known.
So that's just what I did, I made it to the the sidewalk, slipped them off and walked barefooted to my car. I swear if there had been a garbage can anywhere between that side walk and my car, they would have never made it home to the closet.
Now what should I do with them?
Should they get a stay of execution? Will I tolerate them any better next time? No. So they are going in the Salvation Army box. But I feel guilty about that, is it fair to pass them on to some poor unsuspecting soul? (no pun intended) Maybe they won't hurt somebody else's feet as bad as they hurt mine.........maybe I don't remember them hurting mine that bad 'cause I've gained a little weight......maybe.........

3 comments:

a painter said...

Angel! Those look like "comfortable shoes" for people our age! They are not spikes, they are low heeled. Hard to believe they are painful!

Your description is hilarious!

Just a though for next time: open toes, strappy sandals, possible from one of the manufactures that has padded insoles! And keep some flats in the car for that ride home!

Kate Spike and Her KatS said...

There is NOTHING worse than a pair of uncomfortable shoes. Well, yes there are, like jeans that cut into your stomach when you sit down, or bras that dig into your back, or your wedding ring that's so tight now that it causes your finger to get all puffy and discolored, or or or . . .

Keetha said...

I'm so sorry you suffered so at the wedding! There's nothing worse than uncomfortable shoes. They look cute, though!